I admit it, I had a really hard time!

Yep, I said it and I'm not ashamed to tell you! At least, I'm not ashamed anymore. You see, the last 30 days have been so hard for me. And it all started with a dreaded call from my doctor on October 10, it knocked me completely off track. I, "the therapist" was caught off guard! The call left me thinking, what the... (explicit)! But, after loosing it and crying for a little while, I pulled it together and relied on the comfort of my faith, my God, and my friends and family. I resorted to doing what I knew, I prayed. Then, I resorted to what I tell my clients. I talked about it, journaled my experience, stuck to my normal daily routine and celebrated with millions the election of Barack Obama. Then, while I was still on cloud nine, day dreaming about my crush, Mr. Obama, I received another phone call on November 5th. My heart immediately sank and I panicked because I was told after going in for tests, "everything looks good and we'll only call you if something further is needed". So, you can imagine how fast my Obama-high deflated when I heard the voice message from my doctor, "call to make an appointment". I called back and the nurse, who is always friendly to me, said, "the doctor wants to go over the results with you. I'm sorry honey." So, once again, I lost it, but this time, it was different. I didn't rely on my faith, because, honestly I felt let down, betrayed, and started to question my God. And to make matters worse, I had to wait 5 days before I could see the doctor, which made my weekend very difficult to get through. I had done what I tell my clients on a daily basis NOT to do. I isolated myself, I retreated inside myself, I didn't talk it out and pushed away those who were only trying to help me. But, in my defense (more like justification for my actions), I didn't want to be rude; I didn't want to explain; I didn't want to cry. I didn't know what to say when someone would ask, "how are you doing" or when they'd say "it's going to be ok". I thought, "how would you be doing", "how do you know it's going to be ok". So, in order to not have to hurt someone or talk about what I was feeling and thinking, I threw up the "deuces" (shut everyone out). Fast forward to today, November 10th, my doctors appointment. As I'm driving and once I get into the room to wait some more, I say, "Keep it together Kristy, don't loose it, keep it together, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it." Then, I lost it! And thankfully, my doctor kept me calm and from passing out on the cold floor. Turns out though, although I didn't get the outcome and results I wanted, the fact is, things can be A LOT worse, and I am very well aware of this. So, even though I'm not feeling 100% like my usual self, I am feeling better than I did last week, this weekend, this morning and a few hours ago. I know there is a reason for everything, nothing just happens. I know people have far worse situations than mine. Like Margie LaSalle who is living with Stage IV cancer, has a husband and two small children. But, she is able to say, "not me, I have to be here for my children"!

These are the lessons I learned during this last month:

1. I am human
2. It's ok to "loose it"
3. Get over myself, see the blessings awaiting me and be thankful
4. Don't make those who are trying to help me suffer too
5. Say what I feel and think
6. Nothing is too big for my God to handle
7. I am strong and can handle more than I think I can
8.God doesn't punish us
9. Negative and pessimistic thinking does take a toll on a person
10. Don't give up, take a day or two to be absorb and process information, then deal with it
11. Like my previous blog says, I am a survivor

So, I would like to thank everyone who has been here for me these past 30 days and longer. Thank you for not trying to "drop kick" me, thank you for threatening to "stalk" me if I didn't answer my phone "one more time", thank you for telling me you'd "tear down" my gate to get to my house (and risking catching a legal charge), thank you for sending me 'Superpokes' on Facebook, thank you for praying for me when I didn't have the strength, thank you for cleaning my kitchen, thank you for making me veggie lasagna, thank you for making my bed just so I can lay right back in it, thank you for allowing me to be mean and not taking it personal, thank you for knocking on my door at work using a special knock so I'd know it was you, thank you for giving me a book to read, thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't question God, thank you for emailing me, thank you for sending me scriptures to read, thank you for encouraging me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

You are: God, Henry, Ke'Sha, Shaketa, J'olene, Liz, my mama, Greg, Melvin, Maria, Dr. Hudson, Anna, Joel Osteen, Barack Obama, David, my clients, my Sorors and anyone my head can't remember to name!

As I close, men and women, please love yourselves and your families enough to get your annual physical exam and suggested tests, it might just save your life! Don't forget to leave a comment and read the story of Margie and Chris LaSalle. Thank you

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*