What's Your Frequency?

As a psychotherapist, one of the many complaints I often hear in family and couples counseling is “they don’t hear me”, “it’s like talking to a brick wall” or “they won’t talk to me”. Many times, the sender of the information may feel that what they are saying is right, while the person who the message is intended for is either wrong or “just doesn’t get it”.

I like using analogies in counseling and one that I usually use to help families and couples with improving communication is the concept of radio frequency. Have you ever taken a road trip and the radio frequency becomes full of static? At times you may be able to hear some of what is being said and at others times, it’s purely fuzz. Either way, this becomes frustrating because you may have been listening to your favorite song or radio host.

Unproductive communication can sometimes have the same effect. You, as a parent, may be on one station, while your child is on another. It’s nothing but fuzz or frustration when trying to figure out their message. Or, in a relationship, the wife may be listening to one station, while the husband is trying to tune in to another one. Usually, when either of these scenarios happens, we tend to become angry, yell, accuse, or stop verbally communicating altogether.

The key to improved and effective communication is finding a balance. A little while ago in Atlanta, two radio stations merged. For me, I just didn’t get it! What was the point? Then I thought about it, I can hear this song or host on 102.5 and 97.5, but either way, I am getting what I want.

In improving communication, it’s best to get on the same frequency in order to get what you want. Are you on the Country station while your child is listening to Hip Hop? Or, are you searching for a station and hearing nothing but fuzz. Try to find a balance. Ask your child or partner what it is they want you to hear. Although you may not understand where they are coming from, practice validating how they feel or what they are thinking. Sit and calmly discuss solutions or take a few minutes to cool down so that you can think rationally and not respond solely from emotion.

Another way of thinking about it is to use dancing. What happens when you are doing ballroom dancing while your dance partner is waltzing at the same time? You will bump into one another or expend a great deal of energy trying to avoid one another. Both responses may lead to frustration, confusion, anger, etc.

So, the next time you are engaging in unproductive communication, ask yourself if you and the receiver are on the same frequency. If not, adjust your dial and tune in! Sometimes, seeking counseling or therapy can help identify the root of negative communication patterns and replace them with healthy and adaptive ones. If you are having trouble with communicating or relationships, click here.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*