He Proposed...3 Questions You Need to Ask Before Saying Yes

 

In the animal kingdom, the male counterparts are the ones that do all the courting during the mating season. They fight other males, they showcase their beautiful colors, they build elaborate houses, all to prove to the female that they are the superior suitor.

In the case of the Bower bird he doesn’t fight or display elaborate colors, instead he uses his cognitive and building skills to lure a mate. He builds a bower to attract his female counterpart. He takes great pride in his bower using sticks and twigs to build it high enough for her to see. He adorns it with insects, flower petals, and other objects he thinks will attract a mate.

In addition to being a master builder, the Bower bird is also a master illusionist. In order to appear bigger and thus more desirable to his mate, he arranges stones at the end of his bower from small to big. This way when his female counterparts view him from the other end of the bower, he appears bigger next to the smaller stones. This makes the female think he will be a good candidate to mate with because he is big and strong and will produce big and strong offspring to help the species survive.

When contemplating a potential candidate for marriage, he/she may present an illusion of the type of person you want to marry. Once the marriage has happened and the illusion wears off, you are left with chaos and confusion.

To help you avoid this scenario happening to you I have listed 3 crucial questions to ask  your mate before marriage.

1. Can I See Your Credit Report?

Before you marry someone it is important to know their financial obligations. Viewing their

credit report will give you insight into their money managing skills, so don’t be afraid to ask  for it. You need to know their debt to income ratio, how many collection accounts they have, how many credit cards they have, how many open expenses they have. Also you need to know if they pay alimony or child support. This is crucial to know because once you get married their debt becomes your debt. It’s also important to discuss what you will do if one spouse becomes unemployed. How long will you be able to live off of  one income before it becomes a problem. If your spouse gets hurt and can no longer work, will you be willing to accept being the sole provider indefinitely?

 

2. Can I See Your Medical History?

What is the health status of the person you are with? Have you two taken a complete STD exam before having sexual relations? Do they have heart problems, cancer, high blood pressure etc. You need to know the health of the person you are marrying to decide if you are going to have to be a caregiver. Is this a role you will undertake with pleasure and ease? How will you feel if your significant other gains weight? How much weight is okay? Do they drink? Do drugs? What if they won’t stop?

3.  Do you want children?

Does the person you are with have children? Do they want more children? If they don’t have children, do they want children? How will you raise your children? Do you believe in spanking or time outs? Do you want your children to go to school or be home schooled? What religion will you raise your children to believe? Will one of you stay home with the children?

There are so many other things to learn about your potential life partner but these three critical questions should help to get the conversation started. Remember your mate like the Bower bird will create an illusion of what you want but you need to delve deeper to find out if your mate is what you need.

For more help contact me to set up pre-marital counseling and I will help you and your mate make the best decision with regards to your relationship.

How To Cope With Holiday Stress

Your house is decorated superbly. You have incorporated tips from Pinterest and HGTV to make your house a Christmas masterpiece. Your family will be descending on your home any day now. You’ve purchased everything you need for your guests’ arrival.

The day for which you have been planning is finally here. The doorbell rings, you peek through your peephole to see the familiar faces of family. But right before you open the door, your breathing becomes shallow, you suddenly feel light headed, and your palms are sweaty. You didn’t realize, until this very moment, how stressed your holiday preparations have made you.

Do you find yourself under undue stress during the holidays? How have you managed to cope with your stress in the past? Were your coping techniques successful or do you find that once again you are feeling the pains of holiday stress?

Stress brought on by the holidays is common but it can be managed with a few simple techniques.

Techniques To Manage Holiday Stress

• Be Realistic

If you are the host for holiday events prepare for something to go wrong. Just
        because something isn’t “perfect” doesn’t mean it’s bad. Chances are your guest will not realize

      that something is amiss unless you bring it to their attention.

• Plan Ahead

           Schedule your time wisely so that you don’t overbook yourself. Plan your menus in

           advance so that you don’t overcook yourself. Set a budget so that you don’t overextend

           your finances. Having a plan in place will help to keep you grounded and from feeling

           like you are spinning out of control.

• Learn To Say No

           There is only just one you and you can’t be everything to everybody and everywhere all at

           once. It is perfectly okay to tell people no. There is nothing wrong with setting

           boundaries and sticking to them. In fact, sticking to your boundaries makes you feel

           empowered and balanced which keeps your stress levels to a minimum.

• Get Away

           Sometimes the hustle and bustle of the holiday can drain you emotionally and             physically.  Make sure to take some time away from the planning, partying, shopping, and

           the urge to feel like you must be happy at all times. Take a bubble bath, read a good book,

           take a walk, just do something that will take you away from the constant reverie of the

           holiday. This allows you to relax and regroup.

 

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Are You Independent?

Happy 4th of July - 

How Independent Are You?

Tips to Become Independent

Written by: -Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. 

Fourth of July is a great time of year to ask yourself, how independent are you? Are you Dependent, Pseudo-independent or Independent?

Dependent: You're needy. You lean on and on top of people. You try to get other people to take on your problems as their responsibility to fix. You've got the kiss of death with regard to personal and professional relationships. You need to stand up and grow up.

Pseudo-independent: You act un-needy, but you're really prideful, don't believe anyone else will do it right and don't want to be beholding to anyone. You can't really do life without other people. Your "empire" is no more than a glass menagerie, but as long as you don't see it that way, it doesn't seem to matter to you that everyone else does.

Independent: You are needful. You lean into people. You get input from others, but keep your problems as your responsibility. You are mature enough to realize that until you can be effectively interdependent, you can't be independent.

How to Become Independent

Bottom of Form

The measure of true independence is how self-reliant, resourceful and coachable you are.
I work with many successful CEO's, executives, senior managers to become even more successful. Something they have in common and in spades are self-reliance, resourcefulness and coachability.

Self-reliance means that their default mode is to be responsible and take on increasing responsibility to further their companies, their teamsand their missions. They don't pass the buck, make excuses or stay submerged in indecisiveness.

Resourcefulness means that they are clear about the resources they need to accomplish their goals and are not hesitant in accessing those resources. They are also reciprocators by nature, meaning they don't take others' effort for granted and give back to those who help them out.

Coachability means they seek, listen to and act upon solid, relevant input from others (even the greatest athletes have coaches their entire careers). In realizing the value of such coaching they have learned to also be great coaches to their people. They are NOT "know-it-alls," but are constantly seeking to know all of it so they can make the best decisions.

The more self-reliant, resourceful and coachable you and your children are, the better your and their lives. The less you and they are of each of those (and the more you are overly dependent or act like "know-it-alls"), the worse your and their lives and more miserable you and they will be.

Have a conversation with your kids about what being independent means to them. After they answer it, ask them what they think about about the notions of being self-reliant (translate it to being able to depend on yourself), resourceful (translate it to being able to come up with solutions and the best help for problems they may face) and coachable (translate it to being able to find the best people to give them the best advice to help them do whatever they want to do).

What is your "It"?

 

 

When you first see the title, you’re probably confused. What does the title refer to? I actually changed it several times before settling on it.  It pertains to letting go! What are you holding on to? What is your hurt, habit or hang up that you are struggling to release? What is your “it”? What do you need to let go of?

At times, many of us struggle with holding on to things, be it people, places or situations that we need to simply let go of.  These things may be holding us back or preventing us from receiving what is next for us.  It may be a relationship, a dead end job, low self-esteem, negative self-talk, anger and hurt. Letting go simply involves making a choice to move from your situation, be it past or current and embrace your future.   Whatever your “IT” is, make a choice today to give it to a power much higher and greater than us and…LET IT GO!

 

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Forgiveness

Forgive. What does this mean? I remember often hearing the phrase “forgive, but never forget” growing up. Now that I’m older, that sounds more like a contradiction. How can you forgive someone and continue to hold on to hurtful or negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, people feel like they must hold on to these feelings or memories in order to protect themselves. Anger, distrust, and or rigid boundaries became an unhealthy defense mechanism when we choose to hold on the negative feelings.

In order to forgive, we must CHOOSE to let go of painful thoughts/feelings/memories in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a process. In other words, it does not happen over night. But, you have the ability to choose by making a conscious effort and saying “I don’t want to hurt anymore” or “I do not want this person or that thing to hold me back anymore”. This conscious decision is the first step in moving forward and learning to forgive.

*Blog contributed by Shaketa Robinson-Bruce, LPC. Shaketa is a therapist at New Vision Counseling Center, LLC who works with children, adolescents and adults providing individual, family and couples therapy. Info in this blog is strictly the writer's personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911. To learn more about Mrs. Robinson-Bruce and the services she offers at NVCC, click here.*

What Does Your "To Do" List Look Like?

To Do
Annaul physical exam-check
Eye Exam-check
6 month dental cleaning-check
Hair appointment-check
Get vitamins-check
Excercise-check
Buy healthy food-check
Make therapy appt-?

Many of us will make sure we take care of our physical needs. But, when it comes to our mental health (not mental problems/issues), it is often put on the back burner. Many things can keep us from seeking counseling. Some people feel there is a stigma attached to seeking counseling, "People will think I'm crazy" or others will choose to pray about it or let it ride out. Still, some may say, "I just can't afford it". If thsi is you, or someone you know, here are my responses:

You are not "crazy". We all experience tougher times and talking to a trained professional is often helpful. Besides, why are we worrying about judgemental people?

Yep, I agree that you should pray, especially for a therapist who is in line with you and can understand and help you. We all have a purpose and were put on Earth to fufill that purpose.

When you sit and think about it, how much do you pay to get your hair done? At one point, I used to pay at least $85-90 every two weeks, in addition to driving 35 minutes to this particular stylist. How much will we pay to get our nails done ($30-$50, more if you like designs, gel nails and sea salt added!). What about a new outfit for a party? All of these things address our outer appearance or physical health. Yes, it is true, "when I look good, I feel good"!! But, if you have deeper underlying issues that haven't been addressed, it doesn't matter how good you look if you don't feel good too!

Let me ask you a question, if your doctor told you that you had Diabetes, high blood pressure or even needed to come in for follow up tests, what would you do? Would you not buy your life saving Diabetic or blood pressure medicine? Would you skip the follow up tests and hope that it is nothing serious? Better yet, would you make your children/spouse/friends/family worry about your condition. I am 99% sure that the answer to these questions is NO!

Yep, you're right, "money is funny" right now. And when it comes to feeding your children, buying your medication, or getting gas vs. a weekly therapy appointment, I agree. But, you may be surprised to see how many therapists are willing to work with you (after all, it's a helping profession). Does this mean your appointment is free? Well, is your copay free? Nope! But there are several locations offering lower cost services (as low as $20). For instance, I have no problem with offering a discount (not free) if a person is consistent and shows up to their appointments as scheduled. I work with financial situations and in some cases, have suggested that my clients come every other week rather than weekly so their budget isn't affected to much. I also offer a "buy 3, get one free" for those who want to pay in advance.

Now, everyone doesn't do this but, if your mental health is just as important to you as your physical health, why not check it out! We shop around for bargains everyday, so take some time to shop around so you will not only look good but to feel good too!! Soon, you will be able to mark "make therapy appt" off your ever growing "To Do" list.

To help you get started, here are a few links to check out and speed up your process. (Besides NVCC, this list does not suggest/imply that any of these places offer the same discounts/prices/etc as I do.) If you know of other counseling/therapy places, please feel free to leave them in the form of a comment.

New Vision Counseling Center (me!!)
Families First
Tiffanie Davis, LLC
Evan Katz (The Anger Guy)
United Way
Powers Ferry Psychological Associates
Georgia Professional Counseling Center

And as always, you can contact your insurance carrier.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

You must stretch yourself in order to grow!

This is the first on many blogs to come. As I am new to this entire process, something said, "why not give it a try, you will reach so many people this way". Then , that thought reminded me of the many tasks, dreams and hopes that we put off because we are not sure of the outcome. Many times, we like to live in our comfort zones, areas of limited stress, but it is when we step out of our comfort zones, that we truly grow and learn our potential. My goal is to provide weekly, if not more often, blogs that offer information, hope, moments of "ah ha" and what ever else that may be needed. I welcome posts, discussions and times of enlightenment. So, welcome to my blog! And as I stretch and grow, I challenge you to grow with me!

Now, for those who don't know me, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Georgia and a National Certified Counselor. I work with "at risk" children and adolescents in a residential facility as well as own and provide therapy at my private practice, New Vision Counseling Center, LLC; located in Georgia, providing counseling services to children, adolescents and families. I plan to offer blogs on various "self help" topics as well as other areas of interest.

Please understand that if you need professional help, contact your doctor, therapist, or in the case of an emergency, dial 911! The information discussed and posted by myself and/or others is in no way intended to treat or diagnose you!

Again, welcome and I look forward to "blogging" with you.