Roots and Fruit: What Are You Producing?

"The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree". People say this often to describe how a child is similar to their parent. Whether it be good or bad, when this is said, we know what the quoter is implying. It is important for us to know where we come from-our roots. Knowing so will help us to better understand how we relate with others or why we may choose to engage in certain behaviors.

This doesn't mean that knowing your history will answer all of your questions, solve your problems or justify your actions, it simply allows us to gain a better grasp on ourselves; after all, we can truly only change ourselves! Here are a few examples:

Root-Growing up, your mother tells you not to depend on men because they are all worthless and will leave you. Your father reinforces this belief by not being present in your life or making empty promises.

Fruit (possible)-You tend to push men away when things get too serious in order to "leave him before he leaves me".

Root-Your parents consistently praised your efforts and accomplishments.

Fruit (possible)- You have a healthy self esteem, self confidence and instill the same values in your children.

As you can see, either of these beliefs are capable of producing a continuous cycle. So, the next time you engage in a "root" behavior, ask yourself, "what fruits am I producing?" Your answer may surprise you.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Managing Financial Stress

With the economy in "crisis", no bail outs for the average American, an increase in unemployment rates and the price of everyday items increasing while paychecks remain the same, or even decrease; many people may be experiencing stress related to financial hardships. I was recently interviewed and the featured writer for the coaching blog, The FIRM (Financially Independent Role Models) and discussed how to manage stress during, what to some, are tough times. In this blog are some of the excerpts from the article.

Why is it important to be 'stress free' when thinking about finances?

Stress can cause many adverse effects to our bodies. When we are stressed, several hormones are released. Some stress is good as it helps us react in anxiety producing situations. However, too much stress without an outlet to relieve it can be detrimental. These days, the word "finance" or money automatically produces a reaction. When focusing on finances and many other situations, it is important to be clear headed and focused. This prevents us from making hasty or irrational decisions.

What are some tips on how people can handle stress in these tough economic times? (Many of these tips can be applied to any type of stress)

- Make a budget, and try hard to stick to it, only adjusting it for important financial changes.

- Journal about your experience. If this is all new to you, you may experience a range of emotions. Writing about it will help clear your head. You'll also be able to look back on it and see how successful you were, or you may learn what not to do in case of another financial crisis.

- Establish a support system with friends, family and people who are doing well during these times. These people will guide you through. You can also learn something about good money management.

- Learn your body and pay attention to signs you may be stressed (headache, stomach ache, fatigue, irritability).

- Exercise! Just as stress releases hormones, physical activity releases "feel good" hormones or endorphins. This will automatically decrease current stress.

- Identify what about your situation is stressing you and figure out if the feeling is really stress. It may be that you are scared, anxious, frustrated. Basically, discover underlying or associated feelings. Then, you can deal with the real issue.

-When stressed, try deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation.

-Seek professional help (both financial and therapeutic). If financial stress has you out of sorts and effecting your day-to-day activities, you may benefit from short term counseling to get you back on track.

-Practice self care! It's ok to put yourself first at times. Remember, when you're at your best, you can help others to be there best!

Don't forget to leave a comment and let readers know your stress management techniques when it comes to money management.

Click here to learn more about the FIRM and to receive their helpful newsletters.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Creating a Healthy Relationship: What's Your Love Language

With Cupid looming in the air, many people are excited about the approach of Valentines Day. The chocolates, singing cards, jewelry, romantic getaways and other hoopla, it's hard to not get into the mood. Then, there are those who loathe and despise the Holiday. I heard one radio host say, "is this a holiday to make men spend all their money...I think everyone should break up before Valentines!"

I don't condone such an extreme, but I do suggest that one decides on what they consider to be a healthy relationship. In my opinion, that includes constant communication, appreciation for one another and dedication to withstand the tough times. Having a relationship that shows gratitude on a daily basis, rather than just on February 14, just may be able to calm some of the disdain for the Holiday.

I also recommend that couples learn their Love Language to help them with simple and practical ways to communicate their love to their partner. Many times, we are operating based upon what we want and not necessarily what our partner may want. For example, I may like receiving cards so I give my partner a card, however, he may like spending quality time, so he skims the card and offers a half hearted, "thanks". What happens? I may feel angry or even hurt because my card isn't appreciated. I operated based off my language and not that of my partner. I heard a minister say to use the "platinum rule"-treat others how they want to be treated!

The 5 Love Languages-created by Gary Chapman- are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I recently even heard of a sixth one which is romantic gestures. I suggest you learn your love language. There are many websites that allow you to print and score your test with the hopes of creating lasting loving relationships. Even if you're not in a relationship, it won't hurt to learn how to express and receive love.

If you believe you may be operating from past hurts or from childhood messages about love, talking to a trained professional may be able to help you effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Remember to leave your comments and have a wonderful day of appreciation and gratitude!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Resolutions vs. Healthy Lifestyle Changes

Well, it's been almost one month since the New Year rang in, and exactly one month since some have lost their motivation to maintain their New Year resolutions. In my previous blog, I discussed how to set SMART goals, however, the process can be difficult until you get the hang of it. One friend told me she is no longer excited about her goals and another told me she'd like to make long term changes rather than change for just a few months.

This year, why not make a commitment to being realistic with your abilities. Set goals that will allow you to see the residual effects long after the "hype" of the New Year has worn off. Thanks to my hair stylist, I've decided to focus more on what I speak out and attract to myself to assist me in reaching my goals for this year. I've been listening to The Secret and it has been really helpful.

One way to achieve a lifestyle change is to be willing to adjust and modify your goals to fit you and what is going on in your life. Don't be afraid to assess and make necessary changes as your circumstances change.

Remember, you are in control of your destiny and your vision (goals) can be your reality/life. Don't forget to leave your comments and let us know how you are making lifestyle changes.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Are your goals SMART?

For many, January 1, 2009 will bring about new goals and resolutions. As one year ends and a new one makes it way in, we tend to think of ways to be better than the previous year. Often times however, we forget about our New Year resolutions after a few months have passed. Or, we may give up on them because we become discouraged. One way to set and achieve goals is to first write them down so you can have a reminder of them. Next, make sure your goals are SMART. Here's a breakdown of what I mean. Let's take the issue of weight. First, goals must be (S)Specific. Try not make your goals too vague because you won't be able to easily assess your success or the need to modify a goal. Instead of saying I will loose weight this year, change it to I will loose 5 pounds per month. Secondly, a goal must be (M)-Measurable. I will increase my exercise from 1 day a week to at least 3 days a week is easy to measure. A goal should be (A)-Achievable. Many times we fall off the band wagon because our goals are not realistically achievable. To say you will loose 30 pounds in 15 days is not achievable for anyone. Rather, commit to loosing 5 pounds in 30 days. This is more achievable and you will feel better knowing you reached one of your goals. Setting (R)-Realistic goals will also help you achieve them. It is important to evaluate whether or not you have the time, resources and support you need to reach your goals. Lastly, goals should be (T)-Time Framed. Some people spend a lot of time talking about what they want to do, someday. But, without a target date there is no sense of urgency and no reason to take any action today. Having a specific time frame (that is SMART) gives you the push you will need to get started. It also helps you monitor your progress.

So, a SMART goal will look something like this: Within 30 days, I will loose 5 pounds. Or you can say, in 2009, I will live a healthier lifestyle. I will know I am doing this by loosing 5 pounds a month, exercising (walking, cleaning, swimming, dancing) at least 3 days a week for at least 20 minutes, attending all of my therapy appointments as scheduled, getting my dental check up at least every six months and showing within level cholesterol and blood pressure readings at my yearly exam.

Now that you know the fundamentals of goal setting keep the SMART acronym in mind to help you remember the basics. Don't push yourself too hard or too fast and always be your own best friend and never set yourself up for failure. While successful people know you have to stretch your talents to grow, they also know it's important to set reasonable goals. The first step to success is knowing where you want to go. The second step is having a plan to get there. Your goals are your road map. Follow them and you'll be well on your way. Good luck with your new goal setting and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

What's Your Purpose?

Have you ever thought about your purpose in life, on Earth, or your obligation to man-kind? I often work with clients who struggle because they do not know their purpose. I've also tried to convince a child/teen that what they are going through will make them a better person and help them define their purpose. Although it is difficult to grasp this understanding, it is so true!

Some suggest that one must meditate, go on a spiritual journey and pray to define their purpose in life. Rick Warren has even written a book, The Purpose Driven Life, to help us answer, "what on earth am I here for?"

To help you out, I have included a fill in the blank exercise adapted from the November 2006 edition of Essence magazine. When you have some quiet time, think about and complete the statements. Don't ponder too hard as your first answer is usually the most truthful. Review it often to help you gain a sense of your true purpose. Once you complete it, keep it somewhere you'll see it and be inspired!

I can’t imagine life without ____________. When I’m spending time __________ hours pass and I don’t even notice. It saddens me to know that so many people don’t have ________________, but what gives me hope is knowing that each of us has the power to _____________. Sometimes the effort it takes to do ______________ is exhausting, but what keeps me going is the knowledge that ___________. When I went through the painful experience of ___________, it just strengthened my faith in __________________ and my resolve to __________. My dream is to create __________. It’s the reason I ______________ each day, and it’s why I think about_______ as I go to sleep each night. Some might call it a mission. Turns out, it’s my purpose.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

My Mind's Playin' Tricks on Me

There was a rap song that came out in 1992 with this title. Although explicit, the song made the point clear, your mind can play tricks on you!
How many times have you "talked" yourself out of doing something, or started telling yourself something opposite of what you really want to have or do? For example, you may say to yourself, "I want to be debt free by the end of 2009", then no sooner than you finish that statement, you begin to think about all of the bills, unexpected situations that can occur, and whatever else that costs money. Soon, you forget about your goal to be debt free or put it on the back burner. I call this, Mind Games! Sometimes, we can immediately jump to conclusions about situations without careful and rational thinking.

We have the ability to change the way we think. Yes, it is hard sometimes, but we can. I can remember growing up and hearing my mother quote Norman Vincent Peale's, The Power of Positive Thinking! I didn't know what she meant and sometimes I'd think, "ugghhhh, here we go again! But, Mr. Peale, and my mother, knew then what I and you can know now! We CAN eliminate all of the negative thoughts that prevent us from achieving happiness and success!

Again, this can be hard but it is not rocket science. Here are a few suggestions from The Power of Positive Thinking to get you on the way to changing how you think:
believe in yourself and in everything you do;
build new power and determination;
develop the power to reach your goals;
break the worry habit and achieve a relaxed life;
improve your personal and professional relationships;
assume control over your circumstances;
be kind to yourself.

So, the next time you find yourself countering your statements, immediately rephrase it to something you can achieve. Or, on another musical note, in "I Believe I Can Fly", R. Kelly said, "If I just believe it, there's nothing to it"!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*