Like
many couples, when you have children you fall into a pattern. That pattern
usually consists of your kids, because they now have become your life. Although
your children may be your pride and joy and are a huge factor in making your
life complete. The child-centered life can take a toll on relationships and can
be even harder for the kids. Focusing on your marriage first can not only
create a healthier marriage, but also produce happier children as well.
Researchers who study
family behavior agree that a strong bond between parents is the heart of a
happy family. As sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., puts it in her couples'
guide, The Book of Love, "No matter how sacrilegious it
sounds...you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong
relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving,
respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?"
"Our studies show
that how a couple's relationship is going has an impact on how the kids are
doing," says Philip Cowan, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at
the University of California, Berkeley. He's studied families for decades with
his wife, psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D. When parents are so focused on
their children that they don't have the time or energy to relate as a couple,
he notes, they're more likely to grow discontented. Kids can pick up on the
unhappiness and feel insecure about family unity; that anxiety could lead to
problems such as depression or aggression. And when adults pour their attention
into their children instead of their spouses, the balance of power is skewed.
"Kids end up thinking they're the center of the universe," says Code,
"and might act selfishly and manipulatively."
First rule: Start small. With a routine already in place breaking
away from it can be difficult. It’s about starting small and making the most
out of your time together. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic change at once. Consider
things like waking up fifteen minutes earlier to chat over coffee or go to bed
at the same time.
Have kid-free
conversations. When you are out
together save the talk about the kids for later. Be all about the relationship.
Stay in touch during
the day. With the many ways of
communication today it is easy to stay in contact. Send sweet emails, or text
throughout the day to express your love for them.
Try new things
together. It allows quality
alone time together, without the pressure of scintillating conversation about
life or the kids.
Indulge in PDA- Affection keeps you connected and demonstrate
to the kids an important part of your marriage. As a result you are modeling
what a good relationship is like.
Make pleasure a
priority- Dr. Hutcherson says "I tell patients
to hold hands or
spoon when they fall asleep. The pleasure chemicals released
from skin-to-skin contact bond you." Spontaneity is fun, but if you are
realistic and plan for intimacy, at least you know you’ll have it. Intimacy is
a fundamental part of having a happy and healthy relationship and should be
incorporated into your routine as such.
Don’t be a martyr. Ask your partner to their share of house
work means you will be less tired, less resentful, and more amped for intimacy.
