Is Couples Therapy Helpful?

Is Couples Therapy Helpful? I get this question a lot. Many of my clients feel their relationship is beyond repair. They wonder if therapy can help repair the damage. This question can be answered in two parts.

Yes

Couples therapy can be helpful if:

1. The couple is open to therapy
2. The couple  mutually wants to save their marriage
3. The couple is willing to change if need be

No

Couples therapy is not helpful if:

1. The couple is not open to therapy
2. The couple does not mutually want to save their marriage
3. The couple is unwilling to change if need be

To put things into perspective here are some statistics about the impact couples therapy can have.

•  98% of people surveyed said they received good or excellent couples therapy
•  97% of those surveyed said they got the help they needed
• 93% of those surveyed said they got the tools they needed after working with a couples therapist

On the other hand...

•  25% of people surveyed reported their marriage was worse 2 years after couples therapy
• 38% of people surveyed reported their marriage ended in divorce 4 years after couples therapy

Now let's put this in perspective.

Couples therapy is helpful whether the marriage last or ends in divorce. And here's why...

• Couples therapy helps identify the root causes of friction in the marriage
• Couples therapy gives a safe place to talk truthfully
• Couples therapy gives the necessary tools to make the marriage work
• Couples therapy shines a light on any incompatibility in the relationship

The last bullet point is extremely vital when asking the question, is couples therapy helpful.

People assume if they go to therapy and the marriage ends in divorce, then couples therapy was not helpful. But look at it this way. Couples therapy gives you the insight and the courage to know when to let go. Then you can begin to find the happiness that you have been lacking. Even if the marriage ends in divorce, if there are children from the union, couples and family therapy can help the children with the transition. This can help the divorce from becoming a bitter battle of hurt.

So...

Is Couples Therapy Helpful?

I would have to say yes. Couples therapy can open up the lines of communication that were once closed. They can help a couple remember why they fell in love in the fist place. It can also help couples heal from any wounds or misdeeds that has happened before or during the marriage. It can also help the couples amicably part ways if they decide.

If you are in need of couples therapy, contact New Vision Counseling Center to set up an appointment.

He Proposed...3 Questions You Need to Ask Before Saying Yes

 

In the animal kingdom, the male counterparts are the ones that do all the courting during the mating season. They fight other males, they showcase their beautiful colors, they build elaborate houses, all to prove to the female that they are the superior suitor.

In the case of the Bower bird he doesn’t fight or display elaborate colors, instead he uses his cognitive and building skills to lure a mate. He builds a bower to attract his female counterpart. He takes great pride in his bower using sticks and twigs to build it high enough for her to see. He adorns it with insects, flower petals, and other objects he thinks will attract a mate.

In addition to being a master builder, the Bower bird is also a master illusionist. In order to appear bigger and thus more desirable to his mate, he arranges stones at the end of his bower from small to big. This way when his female counterparts view him from the other end of the bower, he appears bigger next to the smaller stones. This makes the female think he will be a good candidate to mate with because he is big and strong and will produce big and strong offspring to help the species survive.

When contemplating a potential candidate for marriage, he/she may present an illusion of the type of person you want to marry. Once the marriage has happened and the illusion wears off, you are left with chaos and confusion.

To help you avoid this scenario happening to you I have listed 3 crucial questions to ask  your mate before marriage.

1. Can I See Your Credit Report?

Before you marry someone it is important to know their financial obligations. Viewing their

credit report will give you insight into their money managing skills, so don’t be afraid to ask  for it. You need to know their debt to income ratio, how many collection accounts they have, how many credit cards they have, how many open expenses they have. Also you need to know if they pay alimony or child support. This is crucial to know because once you get married their debt becomes your debt. It’s also important to discuss what you will do if one spouse becomes unemployed. How long will you be able to live off of  one income before it becomes a problem. If your spouse gets hurt and can no longer work, will you be willing to accept being the sole provider indefinitely?

 

2. Can I See Your Medical History?

What is the health status of the person you are with? Have you two taken a complete STD exam before having sexual relations? Do they have heart problems, cancer, high blood pressure etc. You need to know the health of the person you are marrying to decide if you are going to have to be a caregiver. Is this a role you will undertake with pleasure and ease? How will you feel if your significant other gains weight? How much weight is okay? Do they drink? Do drugs? What if they won’t stop?

3.  Do you want children?

Does the person you are with have children? Do they want more children? If they don’t have children, do they want children? How will you raise your children? Do you believe in spanking or time outs? Do you want your children to go to school or be home schooled? What religion will you raise your children to believe? Will one of you stay home with the children?

There are so many other things to learn about your potential life partner but these three critical questions should help to get the conversation started. Remember your mate like the Bower bird will create an illusion of what you want but you need to delve deeper to find out if your mate is what you need.

For more help contact me to set up pre-marital counseling and I will help you and your mate make the best decision with regards to your relationship.

Dealing With In-Laws During The Holidays

Does the thought of spending time with your in-laws during the holidays make you anxious or over the top stressed out? Not all in-laws are "outlaws" but for some people, it may seem like it.

Just relax, this time doesn’t have to be stressful and it can actually be quite pleasant if you follow these simple steps.

Steps To Survive Your In-Laws During The Holidays

• Adjust Your Attitude

Instead of thinking about how horrid the time spent with your in-laws will be, focus instead on the positive. Remember that the holidays are a time to spend with family and loved ones. Think about how happy spending time with your in-laws makes your spouse. If you just zone in on this one principle, making your spouse happy, you will find that dealing with your in-laws is a lot more tolerable.

• Communicate Your Concerns With Your Spouse

If you know that every time your in-laws are around it makes your skin crawl, then discuss this openly with your spouse. Share your concerns so that the two of you can work through them together. Illicit help from your spouse in dealing with your in-laws.  Your spouse can act as a mediator or your defender, depending on the situation. But your spouse won’t be able to do either if unaware of your feelings and concerns.   

• Be Assertive

If at any point you feel like your in-laws are being disrespectful or rude it is perfectly acceptable to be assertive in your response without being combative. You can simply state to your in-laws that you will not accept any mistreatment from them. If they continue with their disrespectful behavior, try to put some distance between you, by not being in the same room with them. Instead be with other family members in different areas of the house or stay by your spouse’s side so that your spouse can witness the bad behavior first hand and deal with it.  


The key to surviving the holidays with your in-laws is to remember that the time spent with them will be short. They are an extension of your spouse and so to make your spouse happy you can endure them during the holidays. Once they are gone life will resume as normal. There is no need to let them stress you out or ruin your holiday good cheer.

Benefits of Putting Your Marriage First

Like many couples, when you have children you fall into a pattern. That pattern usually consists of your kids, because they now have become your life. Although your children may be your pride and joy and are a huge factor in making your life complete. The child-centered life can take a toll on relationships and can be even harder for the kids. Focusing on your marriage first can not only create a healthier marriage, but also produce happier children as well.

Researchers who study family behavior agree that a strong bond between parents is the heart of a happy family. As sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., puts it in her couples' guide, The Book of Love, "No matter how sacrilegious it sounds...you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?"

"Our studies show that how a couple's relationship is going has an impact on how the kids are doing," says Philip Cowan, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. He's studied families for decades with his wife, psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D. When parents are so focused on their children that they don't have the time or energy to relate as a couple, he notes, they're more likely to grow discontented. Kids can pick up on the unhappiness and feel insecure about family unity; that anxiety could lead to problems such as depression or aggression. And when adults pour their attention into their children instead of their spouses, the balance of power is skewed. "Kids end up thinking they're the center of the universe," says Code, "and might act selfishly and manipulatively."

First rule: Start small. With a routine already in place breaking away from it can be difficult. It’s about starting small and making the most out of your time together. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic change at once. Consider things like waking up fifteen minutes earlier to chat over coffee or go to bed at the same time.

Have kid-free conversations. When you are out together save the talk about the kids for later. Be all about the relationship.

Stay in touch during the day. With the many ways of communication today it is easy to stay in contact. Send sweet emails, or text throughout the day to express your love for them.

Try new things together. It allows quality alone time together, without the pressure of scintillating conversation about life or the kids.

Indulge in PDA- Affection keeps you connected and demonstrate to the kids an important part of your marriage. As a result you are modeling what a good relationship is like.

Make pleasure a priority-  Dr. Hutcherson says "I tell patients to hold hands or

 spoon when they fall asleep. The pleasure chemicals released from skin-to-skin contact bond you." Spontaneity is fun, but if you are realistic and plan for intimacy, at least you know you’ll have it. Intimacy is a fundamental part of having a happy and healthy relationship and should be incorporated into your routine as such.

Don’t be a martyr. Ask your partner to their share of house work means you will be less tired, less resentful, and more amped for intimacy. 

Finding Forgiveness After Infedility

You found out your partner cheated. You still love them, care for them, want to support them, and most importantly you want to forgive them. But you do not know how. They have apologized over and over, and promised it would never happen again, and that the other person meant nothing to them. You interrogate them on each and every detail of the event. You continuously question them and yourself on why they did it and what the other person had over you. Your mind wanders what they are doing when they are not around. You constantly replay the infidelity in your mind.  This takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. Consequently, you become distanced and less attracted to your partner. If you can identify with these feelings, you are struggling with forgiveness.

Infidelity can destroy one of the greatest foundations of a relationship, trust. Without trust a relationship is robbed of all its fundamentals and become an unhealthy struggle. When you want to forgive infidelity, you have to want to without any doubt.  As the saying says, “when in doubt, don’t.” Deciding to forgive infidelity means you are setting aside whatever your partner has done wrong; you decide to start over by offering trust in an attempt to save your relationship. This can be very difficult to do, but with hard work it is very possible.

Forgiveness is defined as “to excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against.” Forgiveness most importantly is a gift to yourself. It does not mean you have to forget and it is not condoning the behavior. It is simply relieving yourself of the burden of the past.

1. The first step is trying to forgive. It is a process to forgive and is something you must do more than once. It is like a journey a baby makes from walking to crawling. A baby falls hundreds of times before walking. Yet, every effort and attempt is rewarded and extremely significant.

2.  Accept what was done. You cannot change it, it was in the past. What’s done is done.

3. Identify your emotions. How are you feeling? Angry, disappointed, betrayed? Talk to someone about them so you can begin processing them.

4. The next and most important step is communication. Decide if your relationship is worth saving. If it is:

• Set out an agenda to work on one issue at a time
• Address your emotions
• Communicate your needs: i.e what you need from your partner to build back trust, consider setting rules

Infidelity creates damage and wounds, and like any wound it takes time to heal. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for your happiness, peace of mind, and health. When you stress, the body release powerful chemicals that are essential to your survival in highly stressful situations. Oftentimes the result of stress is depression.

If you and your partner are experiencing infidelity, trust issues, forgiveness, or anything of the latter please call us at New Vision Counseling Center. We have highly experienced couples counselors. We are here to help you work through your relationship problems.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*