Dealing With In-Laws During The Holidays

Does the thought of spending time with your in-laws during the holidays make you anxious or over the top stressed out? Not all in-laws are "outlaws" but for some people, it may seem like it.

Just relax, this time doesn’t have to be stressful and it can actually be quite pleasant if you follow these simple steps.

Steps To Survive Your In-Laws During The Holidays

• Adjust Your Attitude

Instead of thinking about how horrid the time spent with your in-laws will be, focus instead on the positive. Remember that the holidays are a time to spend with family and loved ones. Think about how happy spending time with your in-laws makes your spouse. If you just zone in on this one principle, making your spouse happy, you will find that dealing with your in-laws is a lot more tolerable.

• Communicate Your Concerns With Your Spouse

If you know that every time your in-laws are around it makes your skin crawl, then discuss this openly with your spouse. Share your concerns so that the two of you can work through them together. Illicit help from your spouse in dealing with your in-laws.  Your spouse can act as a mediator or your defender, depending on the situation. But your spouse won’t be able to do either if unaware of your feelings and concerns.   

• Be Assertive

If at any point you feel like your in-laws are being disrespectful or rude it is perfectly acceptable to be assertive in your response without being combative. You can simply state to your in-laws that you will not accept any mistreatment from them. If they continue with their disrespectful behavior, try to put some distance between you, by not being in the same room with them. Instead be with other family members in different areas of the house or stay by your spouse’s side so that your spouse can witness the bad behavior first hand and deal with it.  


The key to surviving the holidays with your in-laws is to remember that the time spent with them will be short. They are an extension of your spouse and so to make your spouse happy you can endure them during the holidays. Once they are gone life will resume as normal. There is no need to let them stress you out or ruin your holiday good cheer.

Benefits of Putting Your Marriage First

Like many couples, when you have children you fall into a pattern. That pattern usually consists of your kids, because they now have become your life. Although your children may be your pride and joy and are a huge factor in making your life complete. The child-centered life can take a toll on relationships and can be even harder for the kids. Focusing on your marriage first can not only create a healthier marriage, but also produce happier children as well.

Researchers who study family behavior agree that a strong bond between parents is the heart of a happy family. As sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., puts it in her couples' guide, The Book of Love, "No matter how sacrilegious it sounds...you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?"

"Our studies show that how a couple's relationship is going has an impact on how the kids are doing," says Philip Cowan, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. He's studied families for decades with his wife, psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D. When parents are so focused on their children that they don't have the time or energy to relate as a couple, he notes, they're more likely to grow discontented. Kids can pick up on the unhappiness and feel insecure about family unity; that anxiety could lead to problems such as depression or aggression. And when adults pour their attention into their children instead of their spouses, the balance of power is skewed. "Kids end up thinking they're the center of the universe," says Code, "and might act selfishly and manipulatively."

First rule: Start small. With a routine already in place breaking away from it can be difficult. It’s about starting small and making the most out of your time together. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic change at once. Consider things like waking up fifteen minutes earlier to chat over coffee or go to bed at the same time.

Have kid-free conversations. When you are out together save the talk about the kids for later. Be all about the relationship.

Stay in touch during the day. With the many ways of communication today it is easy to stay in contact. Send sweet emails, or text throughout the day to express your love for them.

Try new things together. It allows quality alone time together, without the pressure of scintillating conversation about life or the kids.

Indulge in PDA- Affection keeps you connected and demonstrate to the kids an important part of your marriage. As a result you are modeling what a good relationship is like.

Make pleasure a priority-  Dr. Hutcherson says "I tell patients to hold hands or

 spoon when they fall asleep. The pleasure chemicals released from skin-to-skin contact bond you." Spontaneity is fun, but if you are realistic and plan for intimacy, at least you know you’ll have it. Intimacy is a fundamental part of having a happy and healthy relationship and should be incorporated into your routine as such.

Don’t be a martyr. Ask your partner to their share of house work means you will be less tired, less resentful, and more amped for intimacy. 

How To Guide: To Getting The Home Life You've Dreamed Of

You see the perfect families on TV and dream to have a family like that one day. Where the children are God sent angels, the wife is Susie Homemaker, and the house is finely decorated. Upon realizing every family situation is different, you can learn to create your ideal family unit of your own. Below are some tips to help you doing so:

1. Be affectionate- Love and affection creates bonding, which promotes a healthier closer family unit. Love also allows one to feel a sense of belong and have higher self-esteem.

2. Deposit the qualities into your relationship that you wish to withdraw- This is essentially leading by example. If you want your husband and children to act out of love and kindness, you give them the love and kindness expected of them.

3. Communicate- Communication is key in any relationship. Talk often with your spouse so that you both can stay on the same page with the dealings of your family. Communicate with your children so they can learn what is expected of them and what their boundaries are.

4. Tend to your own life- An old saying is a happy wife, a happy life. Too often parents lose themselves in the shadow of their families. To take care of your family the best way you can, you have to first take care of yourself the best way you can. Take time for you and treat yourself.

5. Live in the moment- you can’t press rewind on their childhood, enjoy the now. If the house is a mess, take the time to play a cleaning up game instead of fussing about it.

6. Appreciate each other- it’s the little things that can make or break our level of coping. Small gestures go a long way. Take the time to appreciate the smaller things and watch how much more your mood elevates

7. Give yourself time to think- When you find yourself upset or furious in a situation. It is ok to ask everyone to go to their rooms or for you to even go to yours. Give yourself time to cool down, and evaluate the best way to handle the situation. That way you are handling things logically and not emotionally.

8. Create tradition- traditions gives children a sense of belonging and identity. Additionally, It gives them something to look forward to, as well as consistency.

What are some tips that you implement in your home that keeps your family happy? Comment below or post on our facebook page or tweet us at @newvisioncc

The Secret You Didn't Know About Your Friends

Friendship Colours defines a friend as, the one who are always there with you, whether the times are bad or good. They never leave your side, even if the situation is worst. For them, it doesn't matter what day is it or what season. When we are sad, its our friends only who make us comfort, and laugh with us when we are sad. They give us good advice, and we can count on them to treat us nice. Friends solve our stupid problem and share good time so that joy can become double.

One of the most important yet least understood relationships are friendships. As one becomes an adult, the demanding activities of life often take away from the time once belonged to bonding to your closest buddies. However, friendships are crucial to the sustaining healthy living.

There are several benefits to friendships. Mayo Clinic describes some of the benefits as:

Friends help you celebrate good times and are your support system during the bad times

Friends increase your sense of belonging and purpose

Friends boost your happiness

Friends can help reduce stress

Friends improve your self worth

They help you cope with trauma

They encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy life styles

When it comes to friendships the quality of friends are much more important than the quantity. Some people prefer a large social network while others prefer a small group of close friends and acquaintances. There are four different types of friendships: Work friendships, community friends, acquaintances, and best friends. All serve a different role and are all equally important in your life.

The Gallup Organizations’s director, Tom Rath, undertook a massive study of friendship and found some surprising statistics: if your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. Married people say friendship is more than five times as important as physical intimacy within marriage. Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a “best friend at work”, you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job.

Consider taking the time to sit down and take audit of the people in your life and their purpose. Reflect upon if you have healthy friendships and if you need to eliminate toxic ones. Determine if you need to expand yourself to create more relationships. True friendships require time and commitment, and sincerity.

British writer Mark Vernon writes that a close friend is a mirror of your own self, someone with whom you realize that, though autonomous, you are not alone. So although you may be busy with the daily operations of your life, career, and family, utilize time management to create and nurture the friends in your life. These bonds you cultivate can enhance and save your life. 

Finding Forgiveness After Infedility

You found out your partner cheated. You still love them, care for them, want to support them, and most importantly you want to forgive them. But you do not know how. They have apologized over and over, and promised it would never happen again, and that the other person meant nothing to them. You interrogate them on each and every detail of the event. You continuously question them and yourself on why they did it and what the other person had over you. Your mind wanders what they are doing when they are not around. You constantly replay the infidelity in your mind.  This takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. Consequently, you become distanced and less attracted to your partner. If you can identify with these feelings, you are struggling with forgiveness.

Infidelity can destroy one of the greatest foundations of a relationship, trust. Without trust a relationship is robbed of all its fundamentals and become an unhealthy struggle. When you want to forgive infidelity, you have to want to without any doubt.  As the saying says, “when in doubt, don’t.” Deciding to forgive infidelity means you are setting aside whatever your partner has done wrong; you decide to start over by offering trust in an attempt to save your relationship. This can be very difficult to do, but with hard work it is very possible.

Forgiveness is defined as “to excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against.” Forgiveness most importantly is a gift to yourself. It does not mean you have to forget and it is not condoning the behavior. It is simply relieving yourself of the burden of the past.

1. The first step is trying to forgive. It is a process to forgive and is something you must do more than once. It is like a journey a baby makes from walking to crawling. A baby falls hundreds of times before walking. Yet, every effort and attempt is rewarded and extremely significant.

2.  Accept what was done. You cannot change it, it was in the past. What’s done is done.

3. Identify your emotions. How are you feeling? Angry, disappointed, betrayed? Talk to someone about them so you can begin processing them.

4. The next and most important step is communication. Decide if your relationship is worth saving. If it is:

• Set out an agenda to work on one issue at a time
• Address your emotions
• Communicate your needs: i.e what you need from your partner to build back trust, consider setting rules

Infidelity creates damage and wounds, and like any wound it takes time to heal. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for your happiness, peace of mind, and health. When you stress, the body release powerful chemicals that are essential to your survival in highly stressful situations. Oftentimes the result of stress is depression.

If you and your partner are experiencing infidelity, trust issues, forgiveness, or anything of the latter please call us at New Vision Counseling Center. We have highly experienced couples counselors. We are here to help you work through your relationship problems.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

What's Your Frequency?

As a psychotherapist, one of the many complaints I often hear in family and couples counseling is “they don’t hear me”, “it’s like talking to a brick wall” or “they won’t talk to me”. Many times, the sender of the information may feel that what they are saying is right, while the person who the message is intended for is either wrong or “just doesn’t get it”.

I like using analogies in counseling and one that I usually use to help families and couples with improving communication is the concept of radio frequency. Have you ever taken a road trip and the radio frequency becomes full of static? At times you may be able to hear some of what is being said and at others times, it’s purely fuzz. Either way, this becomes frustrating because you may have been listening to your favorite song or radio host.

Unproductive communication can sometimes have the same effect. You, as a parent, may be on one station, while your child is on another. It’s nothing but fuzz or frustration when trying to figure out their message. Or, in a relationship, the wife may be listening to one station, while the husband is trying to tune in to another one. Usually, when either of these scenarios happens, we tend to become angry, yell, accuse, or stop verbally communicating altogether.

The key to improved and effective communication is finding a balance. A little while ago in Atlanta, two radio stations merged. For me, I just didn’t get it! What was the point? Then I thought about it, I can hear this song or host on 102.5 and 97.5, but either way, I am getting what I want.

In improving communication, it’s best to get on the same frequency in order to get what you want. Are you on the Country station while your child is listening to Hip Hop? Or, are you searching for a station and hearing nothing but fuzz. Try to find a balance. Ask your child or partner what it is they want you to hear. Although you may not understand where they are coming from, practice validating how they feel or what they are thinking. Sit and calmly discuss solutions or take a few minutes to cool down so that you can think rationally and not respond solely from emotion.

Another way of thinking about it is to use dancing. What happens when you are doing ballroom dancing while your dance partner is waltzing at the same time? You will bump into one another or expend a great deal of energy trying to avoid one another. Both responses may lead to frustration, confusion, anger, etc.

So, the next time you are engaging in unproductive communication, ask yourself if you and the receiver are on the same frequency. If not, adjust your dial and tune in! Sometimes, seeking counseling or therapy can help identify the root of negative communication patterns and replace them with healthy and adaptive ones. If you are having trouble with communicating or relationships, click here.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*