Finding Forgiveness After Infedility

You found out your partner cheated. You still love them, care for them, want to support them, and most importantly you want to forgive them. But you do not know how. They have apologized over and over, and promised it would never happen again, and that the other person meant nothing to them. You interrogate them on each and every detail of the event. You continuously question them and yourself on why they did it and what the other person had over you. Your mind wanders what they are doing when they are not around. You constantly replay the infidelity in your mind.  This takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. Consequently, you become distanced and less attracted to your partner. If you can identify with these feelings, you are struggling with forgiveness.

Infidelity can destroy one of the greatest foundations of a relationship, trust. Without trust a relationship is robbed of all its fundamentals and become an unhealthy struggle. When you want to forgive infidelity, you have to want to without any doubt.  As the saying says, “when in doubt, don’t.” Deciding to forgive infidelity means you are setting aside whatever your partner has done wrong; you decide to start over by offering trust in an attempt to save your relationship. This can be very difficult to do, but with hard work it is very possible.

Forgiveness is defined as “to excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against.” Forgiveness most importantly is a gift to yourself. It does not mean you have to forget and it is not condoning the behavior. It is simply relieving yourself of the burden of the past.

1. The first step is trying to forgive. It is a process to forgive and is something you must do more than once. It is like a journey a baby makes from walking to crawling. A baby falls hundreds of times before walking. Yet, every effort and attempt is rewarded and extremely significant.

2.  Accept what was done. You cannot change it, it was in the past. What’s done is done.

3. Identify your emotions. How are you feeling? Angry, disappointed, betrayed? Talk to someone about them so you can begin processing them.

4. The next and most important step is communication. Decide if your relationship is worth saving. If it is:

• Set out an agenda to work on one issue at a time
• Address your emotions
• Communicate your needs: i.e what you need from your partner to build back trust, consider setting rules

Infidelity creates damage and wounds, and like any wound it takes time to heal. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for your happiness, peace of mind, and health. When you stress, the body release powerful chemicals that are essential to your survival in highly stressful situations. Oftentimes the result of stress is depression.

If you and your partner are experiencing infidelity, trust issues, forgiveness, or anything of the latter please call us at New Vision Counseling Center. We have highly experienced couples counselors. We are here to help you work through your relationship problems.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Forgiveness

Forgive. What does this mean? I remember often hearing the phrase “forgive, but never forget” growing up. Now that I’m older, that sounds more like a contradiction. How can you forgive someone and continue to hold on to hurtful or negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, people feel like they must hold on to these feelings or memories in order to protect themselves. Anger, distrust, and or rigid boundaries became an unhealthy defense mechanism when we choose to hold on the negative feelings.

In order to forgive, we must CHOOSE to let go of painful thoughts/feelings/memories in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a process. In other words, it does not happen over night. But, you have the ability to choose by making a conscious effort and saying “I don’t want to hurt anymore” or “I do not want this person or that thing to hold me back anymore”. This conscious decision is the first step in moving forward and learning to forgive.

*Blog contributed by Shaketa Robinson-Bruce, LPC. Shaketa is a therapist at New Vision Counseling Center, LLC who works with children, adolescents and adults providing individual, family and couples therapy. Info in this blog is strictly the writer's personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911. To learn more about Mrs. Robinson-Bruce and the services she offers at NVCC, click here.*