The Secret You Didn't Know About Your Friends

Friendship Colours defines a friend as, the one who are always there with you, whether the times are bad or good. They never leave your side, even if the situation is worst. For them, it doesn't matter what day is it or what season. When we are sad, its our friends only who make us comfort, and laugh with us when we are sad. They give us good advice, and we can count on them to treat us nice. Friends solve our stupid problem and share good time so that joy can become double.

One of the most important yet least understood relationships are friendships. As one becomes an adult, the demanding activities of life often take away from the time once belonged to bonding to your closest buddies. However, friendships are crucial to the sustaining healthy living.

There are several benefits to friendships. Mayo Clinic describes some of the benefits as:

Friends help you celebrate good times and are your support system during the bad times

Friends increase your sense of belonging and purpose

Friends boost your happiness

Friends can help reduce stress

Friends improve your self worth

They help you cope with trauma

They encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy life styles

When it comes to friendships the quality of friends are much more important than the quantity. Some people prefer a large social network while others prefer a small group of close friends and acquaintances. There are four different types of friendships: Work friendships, community friends, acquaintances, and best friends. All serve a different role and are all equally important in your life.

The Gallup Organizations’s director, Tom Rath, undertook a massive study of friendship and found some surprising statistics: if your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. Married people say friendship is more than five times as important as physical intimacy within marriage. Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a “best friend at work”, you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job.

Consider taking the time to sit down and take audit of the people in your life and their purpose. Reflect upon if you have healthy friendships and if you need to eliminate toxic ones. Determine if you need to expand yourself to create more relationships. True friendships require time and commitment, and sincerity.

British writer Mark Vernon writes that a close friend is a mirror of your own self, someone with whom you realize that, though autonomous, you are not alone. So although you may be busy with the daily operations of your life, career, and family, utilize time management to create and nurture the friends in your life. These bonds you cultivate can enhance and save your life. 

Are You Independent?

Happy 4th of July - 

How Independent Are You?

Tips to Become Independent

Written by: -Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. 

Fourth of July is a great time of year to ask yourself, how independent are you? Are you Dependent, Pseudo-independent or Independent?

Dependent: You're needy. You lean on and on top of people. You try to get other people to take on your problems as their responsibility to fix. You've got the kiss of death with regard to personal and professional relationships. You need to stand up and grow up.

Pseudo-independent: You act un-needy, but you're really prideful, don't believe anyone else will do it right and don't want to be beholding to anyone. You can't really do life without other people. Your "empire" is no more than a glass menagerie, but as long as you don't see it that way, it doesn't seem to matter to you that everyone else does.

Independent: You are needful. You lean into people. You get input from others, but keep your problems as your responsibility. You are mature enough to realize that until you can be effectively interdependent, you can't be independent.

How to Become Independent

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The measure of true independence is how self-reliant, resourceful and coachable you are.
I work with many successful CEO's, executives, senior managers to become even more successful. Something they have in common and in spades are self-reliance, resourcefulness and coachability.

Self-reliance means that their default mode is to be responsible and take on increasing responsibility to further their companies, their teamsand their missions. They don't pass the buck, make excuses or stay submerged in indecisiveness.

Resourcefulness means that they are clear about the resources they need to accomplish their goals and are not hesitant in accessing those resources. They are also reciprocators by nature, meaning they don't take others' effort for granted and give back to those who help them out.

Coachability means they seek, listen to and act upon solid, relevant input from others (even the greatest athletes have coaches their entire careers). In realizing the value of such coaching they have learned to also be great coaches to their people. They are NOT "know-it-alls," but are constantly seeking to know all of it so they can make the best decisions.

The more self-reliant, resourceful and coachable you and your children are, the better your and their lives. The less you and they are of each of those (and the more you are overly dependent or act like "know-it-alls"), the worse your and their lives and more miserable you and they will be.

Have a conversation with your kids about what being independent means to them. After they answer it, ask them what they think about about the notions of being self-reliant (translate it to being able to depend on yourself), resourceful (translate it to being able to come up with solutions and the best help for problems they may face) and coachable (translate it to being able to find the best people to give them the best advice to help them do whatever they want to do).

Meditation: The Ultimate Mental Detox

Meditation is the practice of turning your attention to a single point of reference. It involves focusing on breathing or on a word known as a mantra. Meditation is deceptively easy. It’s simply, training yourself to turn your attention away from distracting thoughts and focus on the moment.

There are several benefits to meditating. Studies link meditation to reducing stress, blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes to increasing one’s cognition and creativity. Additionally, meditation decreases our need for sleep by heightening our concentration, allowing us to be more productive. Many believe they have to spend several hours a day sitting in the lotus flower positive to receive meditation benefits. You can achieve meditation benefits in as little as 10 minutes. Here’s how:

Picture: The Joy of Living Centre

The key to mediation is to be mindfully aware of your breathing. Ronald Alexander, Ph.d recommends to do this you must breathe in through your nose for a count of three, hold for three, and then out through your mouth for three.  The first step is to identify the negative emotion you are feeling so as you focus on your breathing ask yourself, “What am I experiencing?”  Once you can answer this question with, “I am feeling anger, impatience, irritability, frustration or even fear” after your next in breath when you hold for three replace that unwholesome statement with a positive one.  For example if you are standing in a long line that is moving very slowly and feeling frustrated, focus on your breathing and replace the frustration with, “I am feeling compassion.” Keep repeating the breathing, hold and statement until you can feel all the negative emotions release from your body and mind.

Even in total silence you find that you are completely distracted. Your mind is running faster than Olympic track meet. Don’t give up or get mad at yourself. Meditation can take practice, determination, and dedication. When you find yourself drifting off into your thoughts going 90 miles per hour, simply return back to your breathing. As a result, you can meditate anywhere, anytime. Just focus on your breathing, prayer word, or mantra.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Finding Forgiveness After Infedility

You found out your partner cheated. You still love them, care for them, want to support them, and most importantly you want to forgive them. But you do not know how. They have apologized over and over, and promised it would never happen again, and that the other person meant nothing to them. You interrogate them on each and every detail of the event. You continuously question them and yourself on why they did it and what the other person had over you. Your mind wanders what they are doing when they are not around. You constantly replay the infidelity in your mind.  This takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. Consequently, you become distanced and less attracted to your partner. If you can identify with these feelings, you are struggling with forgiveness.

Infidelity can destroy one of the greatest foundations of a relationship, trust. Without trust a relationship is robbed of all its fundamentals and become an unhealthy struggle. When you want to forgive infidelity, you have to want to without any doubt.  As the saying says, “when in doubt, don’t.” Deciding to forgive infidelity means you are setting aside whatever your partner has done wrong; you decide to start over by offering trust in an attempt to save your relationship. This can be very difficult to do, but with hard work it is very possible.

Forgiveness is defined as “to excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against.” Forgiveness most importantly is a gift to yourself. It does not mean you have to forget and it is not condoning the behavior. It is simply relieving yourself of the burden of the past.

1. The first step is trying to forgive. It is a process to forgive and is something you must do more than once. It is like a journey a baby makes from walking to crawling. A baby falls hundreds of times before walking. Yet, every effort and attempt is rewarded and extremely significant.

2.  Accept what was done. You cannot change it, it was in the past. What’s done is done.

3. Identify your emotions. How are you feeling? Angry, disappointed, betrayed? Talk to someone about them so you can begin processing them.

4. The next and most important step is communication. Decide if your relationship is worth saving. If it is:

• Set out an agenda to work on one issue at a time
• Address your emotions
• Communicate your needs: i.e what you need from your partner to build back trust, consider setting rules

Infidelity creates damage and wounds, and like any wound it takes time to heal. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for your happiness, peace of mind, and health. When you stress, the body release powerful chemicals that are essential to your survival in highly stressful situations. Oftentimes the result of stress is depression.

If you and your partner are experiencing infidelity, trust issues, forgiveness, or anything of the latter please call us at New Vision Counseling Center. We have highly experienced couples counselors. We are here to help you work through your relationship problems.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Steal The Spotlight Wherever You Are

Have you seen those movies where someone walks in the room, and the music suddenly stops, and all heads turn to stare with eyes of awe? What is it about that person that makes them so captivating and alluring? Why is that “IT” girl or “bad boy” desired by most? It all boils down to one thing, confidence. These type of people love and believe in themselves, and their abilities. Do you think if that same “IT” girl or “bad boy” walked around with their heads low and thought they were losers, and did not care about themselves, they would still have the same amount of admirers? Not likely. Luckily, confidence can be learned and built.

Sure, low confidence and self-esteem can be deteriorated through negative life’s events such as losing your job, physical ailments or illnesses, discrimination, or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Sometimes the causes of low confidence are deeply rooted and can go back to childhood experiences. If this is a problem for you, speak with one of our highly trained Licensed Professional Counselors at New Vision Counseling Center. Therapy can allow you to discover the root of what is causing you to have low confidence. As a result, your therapist can guide you into unveiling the confident person you are meant to be.

Here are ten instant ways to learn and build high self-esteem and confidence.

1. Think positively about yourself. Write down your great traits and accomplishments and review them routinely.
2. Dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself.
3. Pay attention to your personal hygiene. Take care of your hair, nails, and teeth.
4. Eat a healthy balanced diet. It starts from the inside out. What you put into your body exudes on the outside.
5. Exercise regularly, at least three times a week.
6. Get enough sleep.
7. Manage your stress, and eliminate unnecessary stress factors. Stress takes a toll on your body and your emotions.
8. Set a realistic goal and achieve it! This is an instant confidence booster.
9. Spend time with friends and loved ones. Attempt to grow your social circle.
10. Most importantly, avoid people, things, and places that put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

These are simple actions that allow you to feel good. This consequently, rewires your brain to develop more self-confidence.   Your goal is to commit to these ten simple actions. You’ll be amazed at how you become more confident in yourself. Your self-perception has an enormous impact on how other perceive you. Now you will be the one turning head heads upon entering a room. 

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Fake It Till You Make It

When you think of successful entrepreneurs, athletes, and politicians what is it about them that makes them so powerful and influential? What allows them the capability to stand out and be the best at what they do? Successful individuals as such all possess certain qualities and characteristics required to take on the responsibilities of their roles. Are these qualities and characteristics something that we are born with and already have? Or are they qualities and characteristics that we all can learn to possess? The common catchphrase “fake it till you make it” refers to acting a certain way until your desired outcome happens. It is believed that this method actually works.

Some say the way to become a fit person is to act like it. So how do you act like a fit person? You start eating healthy like a fit person, and working out like a fit person. Eventually you will become a fit person, because you are taking on the attitude, characteristics, and actions of that type of person. This reveals that the most effective way to move towards your desired change in life, is to act like you have already achieved it.

Begin acting like the person you want to become, and live the life you’ve imagined. The deciding factor in you achieving the life of your dreams, is neither what you have nor your situation, it is simply you. It can be as easy as a decision to change your state of mind or an attitude adjustment. You want to become a CEO of your company? Begin to act like the CEO. Come in to work early, leave late, work diligently, take on leadership roles, engage yourself with your co-workers, learn the business and company. It starts with you! The underlying key in all successful people boils down to one quality, trait, and characteristic, they believe in themselves.

You can start today with positive affirmations. Affirmations are statements that you hold to be true. When affirmations are done right they can change your entire life and way of thinking. Declare affirmations such as “I am the example of success” or “I am successful and prosperous in every area of my life.” Saying these affirmations, writing them, and meditating on them several times a day re-routes your conscious mind to believe them. Consequently, this creates the manifestation of them into your life.

Additionally, creating a Vision Board also progresses your steps leading to your dream life. A Vision Board is a board with images, phrases and affirmations reflecting your highest goals and dreams. Gaining popularity from the book, The Secret, Vision Boards are based off the Law of Attraction. The idea is that your thinking directly affects what the universe gives you. You think positive thoughts =you have positive outcomes. You think negative thoughts =you have negative outcomes.  The Vision Board serves to evoke positive thoughts, those thoughts evoke positive emotions, and thus those emotions stir up actions that lead to manifesting your dreams.

Today, stop wishing and start doing. Create a vision board, recite affirmations, and believe in yourself. Conduct yourself as if you are already living the life of your dreams. Fake it until you BECOME it!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Living or Existing. What are YOU doing?

In the daily hustle and bustle and the stressors of life it is sometimes quite easy to just "go along to get along" or to just "go with the motions". There are certain situations where I do approve the mindset of "fake it til you make it" but there are many times in life when we must be actually present; in the here and now.

A chair simply exists. It is what it is...a chair.  We are not chairs, tables or other inanimate objects. By simply existing we can miss out on the joys and happiness of life. We were created and meant to LIVE. To have a purpose, meaning, breath and life. To not only celebrate the BIG things but to also revel in the small ones.

Existing will cause us to focus on inconsequential things or things that don't or won't matter in the long run; whereas living will allow us to see the big picture, enjoy every moment and embrace the journey we're currently on.

Take some time today to assess and even reassess your life. Focus on what's been happening to you and your responses. I'm not saying to minimize things that are devastating to you or that have been painful. I'm asking you to evaluate whether or not despite those things, if you've chosen to exist or live. I'll admit, it's taken me a while to get here and some days I'd prefer to just "be". But, those are the times when I must purposefully and intentionally LIVE.

I was at a high school football honors banquet last year and the speaker, Mark Tidwell talked about living intentionally. He challenged us all to live as though we're terminal because we know the next day isn't promised. Thinking on that, it's important to make everyday count and to move from existing and just going along, to having the courage to live!

If you're ready to start living but find it difficult, counseling or talking to a trained professional may be helpful.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*