Forgiveness

Forgive. What does this mean? I remember often hearing the phrase “forgive, but never forget” growing up. Now that I’m older, that sounds more like a contradiction. How can you forgive someone and continue to hold on to hurtful or negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, people feel like they must hold on to these feelings or memories in order to protect themselves. Anger, distrust, and or rigid boundaries became an unhealthy defense mechanism when we choose to hold on the negative feelings.

In order to forgive, we must CHOOSE to let go of painful thoughts/feelings/memories in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a process. In other words, it does not happen over night. But, you have the ability to choose by making a conscious effort and saying “I don’t want to hurt anymore” or “I do not want this person or that thing to hold me back anymore”. This conscious decision is the first step in moving forward and learning to forgive.

*Blog contributed by Shaketa Robinson-Bruce, LPC. Shaketa is a therapist at New Vision Counseling Center, LLC who works with children, adolescents and adults providing individual, family and couples therapy. Info in this blog is strictly the writer's personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911. To learn more about Mrs. Robinson-Bruce and the services she offers at NVCC, click here.*

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

The slogan goes, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. The term was coined by Forest Long in 1972 as the slogan for the United Negro College Fund. It was a "plea to everybody to reject the prejudices of the past and consider the inner person”. To me, Long’s premise was the need for higher thinking; that one should edify and seek growth.

As I thought about this recently, it reminded me of how much time we, at times, spend thinking negatively. This type of thinking leads to anxiety, depression, anger, failed goals, broken relationships, poor self concept and so on. It is my belief that we can control our thinking; that we can think about anything we want to. If this is truly the case, why choose to think about the negative? Why choose to self destruct?

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. Set a goal to be in better control of your thinking and practice managing it. Make a conscious effort to increase positive thinking and for every negative thought you have, offset it with 5 positive ones. If you find yourself struggling with changing your thinking, being stagnated by past hurts and hang ups or consistently ruminating on negative thoughts, counseling may be beneficial to you. Contact New Vision Counseling Center, LLC to schedule your confidential appointment.

Make it Happ'n Cap'n

Lately, I have been hearing people in my personal and professional life state they are "waiting on something to happen". They are sitting by and hoping to get a raise, find love, improve relationships and so on. I then ask for clarity to this statement and many respond with, "I'm just waiting on things to improve or get better", "my life will be better when....".

If this sounds like you, my response is, "make it happ'n cap'n" (happen captain). Take control of your life and the situations around you. Your boss just may be waiting on you to request a raise, your love may be at a place you really don't frequent or a relationship may improve once you take the step to see what is hindering it. After the 2009 election, I recall someone saying, "don't wait on people to motivate you, motivate yourself".

If you are having trouble with motivation, improving your circumstances or finding direction in your life, counseling may benefit you. Sometimes it is helpful to speak to a trained professional or someone outside of your current support system. Click here to schedule your confidential appointment.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

What's Your Frequency?

As a psychotherapist, one of the many complaints I often hear in family and couples counseling is “they don’t hear me”, “it’s like talking to a brick wall” or “they won’t talk to me”. Many times, the sender of the information may feel that what they are saying is right, while the person who the message is intended for is either wrong or “just doesn’t get it”.

I like using analogies in counseling and one that I usually use to help families and couples with improving communication is the concept of radio frequency. Have you ever taken a road trip and the radio frequency becomes full of static? At times you may be able to hear some of what is being said and at others times, it’s purely fuzz. Either way, this becomes frustrating because you may have been listening to your favorite song or radio host.

Unproductive communication can sometimes have the same effect. You, as a parent, may be on one station, while your child is on another. It’s nothing but fuzz or frustration when trying to figure out their message. Or, in a relationship, the wife may be listening to one station, while the husband is trying to tune in to another one. Usually, when either of these scenarios happens, we tend to become angry, yell, accuse, or stop verbally communicating altogether.

The key to improved and effective communication is finding a balance. A little while ago in Atlanta, two radio stations merged. For me, I just didn’t get it! What was the point? Then I thought about it, I can hear this song or host on 102.5 and 97.5, but either way, I am getting what I want.

In improving communication, it’s best to get on the same frequency in order to get what you want. Are you on the Country station while your child is listening to Hip Hop? Or, are you searching for a station and hearing nothing but fuzz. Try to find a balance. Ask your child or partner what it is they want you to hear. Although you may not understand where they are coming from, practice validating how they feel or what they are thinking. Sit and calmly discuss solutions or take a few minutes to cool down so that you can think rationally and not respond solely from emotion.

Another way of thinking about it is to use dancing. What happens when you are doing ballroom dancing while your dance partner is waltzing at the same time? You will bump into one another or expend a great deal of energy trying to avoid one another. Both responses may lead to frustration, confusion, anger, etc.

So, the next time you are engaging in unproductive communication, ask yourself if you and the receiver are on the same frequency. If not, adjust your dial and tune in! Sometimes, seeking counseling or therapy can help identify the root of negative communication patterns and replace them with healthy and adaptive ones. If you are having trouble with communicating or relationships, click here.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Roots and Fruit: What Are You Producing?

"The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree". People say this often to describe how a child is similar to their parent. Whether it be good or bad, when this is said, we know what the quoter is implying. It is important for us to know where we come from-our roots. Knowing so will help us to better understand how we relate with others or why we may choose to engage in certain behaviors.

This doesn't mean that knowing your history will answer all of your questions, solve your problems or justify your actions, it simply allows us to gain a better grasp on ourselves; after all, we can truly only change ourselves! Here are a few examples:

Root-Growing up, your mother tells you not to depend on men because they are all worthless and will leave you. Your father reinforces this belief by not being present in your life or making empty promises.

Fruit (possible)-You tend to push men away when things get too serious in order to "leave him before he leaves me".

Root-Your parents consistently praised your efforts and accomplishments.

Fruit (possible)- You have a healthy self esteem, self confidence and instill the same values in your children.

As you can see, either of these beliefs are capable of producing a continuous cycle. So, the next time you engage in a "root" behavior, ask yourself, "what fruits am I producing?" Your answer may surprise you.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Managing Financial Stress

With the economy in "crisis", no bail outs for the average American, an increase in unemployment rates and the price of everyday items increasing while paychecks remain the same, or even decrease; many people may be experiencing stress related to financial hardships. I was recently interviewed and the featured writer for the coaching blog, The FIRM (Financially Independent Role Models) and discussed how to manage stress during, what to some, are tough times. In this blog are some of the excerpts from the article.

Why is it important to be 'stress free' when thinking about finances?

Stress can cause many adverse effects to our bodies. When we are stressed, several hormones are released. Some stress is good as it helps us react in anxiety producing situations. However, too much stress without an outlet to relieve it can be detrimental. These days, the word "finance" or money automatically produces a reaction. When focusing on finances and many other situations, it is important to be clear headed and focused. This prevents us from making hasty or irrational decisions.

What are some tips on how people can handle stress in these tough economic times? (Many of these tips can be applied to any type of stress)

- Make a budget, and try hard to stick to it, only adjusting it for important financial changes.

- Journal about your experience. If this is all new to you, you may experience a range of emotions. Writing about it will help clear your head. You'll also be able to look back on it and see how successful you were, or you may learn what not to do in case of another financial crisis.

- Establish a support system with friends, family and people who are doing well during these times. These people will guide you through. You can also learn something about good money management.

- Learn your body and pay attention to signs you may be stressed (headache, stomach ache, fatigue, irritability).

- Exercise! Just as stress releases hormones, physical activity releases "feel good" hormones or endorphins. This will automatically decrease current stress.

- Identify what about your situation is stressing you and figure out if the feeling is really stress. It may be that you are scared, anxious, frustrated. Basically, discover underlying or associated feelings. Then, you can deal with the real issue.

-When stressed, try deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation.

-Seek professional help (both financial and therapeutic). If financial stress has you out of sorts and effecting your day-to-day activities, you may benefit from short term counseling to get you back on track.

-Practice self care! It's ok to put yourself first at times. Remember, when you're at your best, you can help others to be there best!

Don't forget to leave a comment and let readers know your stress management techniques when it comes to money management.

Click here to learn more about the FIRM and to receive their helpful newsletters.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Creating a Healthy Relationship: What's Your Love Language

With Cupid looming in the air, many people are excited about the approach of Valentines Day. The chocolates, singing cards, jewelry, romantic getaways and other hoopla, it's hard to not get into the mood. Then, there are those who loathe and despise the Holiday. I heard one radio host say, "is this a holiday to make men spend all their money...I think everyone should break up before Valentines!"

I don't condone such an extreme, but I do suggest that one decides on what they consider to be a healthy relationship. In my opinion, that includes constant communication, appreciation for one another and dedication to withstand the tough times. Having a relationship that shows gratitude on a daily basis, rather than just on February 14, just may be able to calm some of the disdain for the Holiday.

I also recommend that couples learn their Love Language to help them with simple and practical ways to communicate their love to their partner. Many times, we are operating based upon what we want and not necessarily what our partner may want. For example, I may like receiving cards so I give my partner a card, however, he may like spending quality time, so he skims the card and offers a half hearted, "thanks". What happens? I may feel angry or even hurt because my card isn't appreciated. I operated based off my language and not that of my partner. I heard a minister say to use the "platinum rule"-treat others how they want to be treated!

The 5 Love Languages-created by Gary Chapman- are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I recently even heard of a sixth one which is romantic gestures. I suggest you learn your love language. There are many websites that allow you to print and score your test with the hopes of creating lasting loving relationships. Even if you're not in a relationship, it won't hurt to learn how to express and receive love.

If you believe you may be operating from past hurts or from childhood messages about love, talking to a trained professional may be able to help you effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Remember to leave your comments and have a wonderful day of appreciation and gratitude!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*