Navigating The Holidays With Children After Divorce

 

Divorce at anytime is difficult. Even if you are “consciously uncoupling” as Gwyneth Paltrow puts it, leaving a familiar life behind to embark on a new one is scary and stressful.

When you factor in your children’s emotions and separation anxiety it can become downright depressing.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel and as you begin your new journey, your children will eventually adapt. But you must be vigilant in your quest to make this transition as smooth for your children as possible.

Methods To Navigate The Holidays After A Divorce With Children

 

    Let Go Of The Anger

Children love both parents and so are loyal to you both. Don’t let your anger spill over into your child’s view of their parent. Everyone suffers after a divorce but the more you hold on to your anger the more it will consume you. Instead spend the time with your children being grateful for the unconditional love they offer.

 

   Split Time Gracefully

It will be hard being alone for the first time during the holidays since divorcing. If you are the primary parent don’t begrudge your children’s excitement to spend time with the secondary parent because of your unwillingness to be alone. Children have a right and a need to spend joyous quality time with both parents. So encourage their enthusiasm and don’t battle with your ex about small details like the children being brought back at 2:00 instead of noon.

 

Create New Traditions
If you can no longer do the things you did when you were married with your children because it renews your hurt and anger, then create new traditions.  Creating new traditions will help to make new pleasant post divorce memories. If when you were married, you picked out a tree on Thanksgiving, pick out a tree earlier or later. If you made holiday cookies together as a family, try making something different like brownies. Maybe instead of staying home take a trip. Making new traditions helps to heal the wounds of losing what once was.


*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

What is your "It"?

 

 

When you first see the title, you’re probably confused. What does the title refer to? I actually changed it several times before settling on it.  It pertains to letting go! What are you holding on to? What is your hurt, habit or hang up that you are struggling to release? What is your “it”? What do you need to let go of?

At times, many of us struggle with holding on to things, be it people, places or situations that we need to simply let go of.  These things may be holding us back or preventing us from receiving what is next for us.  It may be a relationship, a dead end job, low self-esteem, negative self-talk, anger and hurt. Letting go simply involves making a choice to move from your situation, be it past or current and embrace your future.   Whatever your “IT” is, make a choice today to give it to a power much higher and greater than us and…LET IT GO!

 

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

Are you emotionally paralyzed?

The English dictionary defines paralysis as “loss of voluntary movement as a result of damage to nerve or muscle function” and “failure to take action or make progress”. People often think of physical paralysis when they hear the word paralyzed. But this can take place emotionally as well. As individuals, we may have been hurt emotionally. Hurt due to rejection, abandonment, lack of emotional support, criticism, abuse, etc. This causes emotional damage, which can result in lack of progress in our lives.

Ever wonder why sometimes women are so bitter/cold towards each other? Why some women, even teenage girls often say they prefer male friendships over female?  Or why some men have difficulty committing in relationships? It’s easier to distance ourselves or remain detached than to risk being hurt again.  Anger is sometimes used as a shield to protect us from feeling vulnerable.  When an individual has difficulty forming meaningful relationships, there may be an underlying fear. It is scary to consider exposing your true feelings and risk experiencing that hurt again. So in turn, we become emotionally paralyzed, stagnant, and fearful of experiencing more hurt or damage. But, to remain in this emotional state prevents us from growing.

As a result, we also risk loosing the possibility of forming a loving, meaningful relationship. We risk loosing the possibility of receiving love, loving others, and loving ourselves. And there is no greater feeling than the feeling that you are loved. This holiday season, take the necessary steps to release any fear that may be hindering you from accepting love or loving others.

 

*Blog contributed by Shaketa Robinson-Bruce, LPC. Shaketa is a therapist at New Vision Counseling Center, LLC who works with children, adolescents and adults providing individual, family and couples therapy. Info in this blog is strictly the writer's personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911. To learn more about Mrs. Robinson-Bruce and the services she offers at NVCC, click here.*

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

The slogan goes, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. The term was coined by Forest Long in 1972 as the slogan for the United Negro College Fund. It was a "plea to everybody to reject the prejudices of the past and consider the inner person”. To me, Long’s premise was the need for higher thinking; that one should edify and seek growth.

As I thought about this recently, it reminded me of how much time we, at times, spend thinking negatively. This type of thinking leads to anxiety, depression, anger, failed goals, broken relationships, poor self concept and so on. It is my belief that we can control our thinking; that we can think about anything we want to. If this is truly the case, why choose to think about the negative? Why choose to self destruct?

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. Set a goal to be in better control of your thinking and practice managing it. Make a conscious effort to increase positive thinking and for every negative thought you have, offset it with 5 positive ones. If you find yourself struggling with changing your thinking, being stagnated by past hurts and hang ups or consistently ruminating on negative thoughts, counseling may be beneficial to you. Contact New Vision Counseling Center, LLC to schedule your confidential appointment.

What a Difference a New Vision Makes!

I received a phone call tonight from "Suzy" asking me if I felt she was wrong by not contacting a her sister "Jane" to resolve a problem. I gave my opinion, she gave hers, and that went back and forth for a while. Then, I heard something that struck a cord with me, "she knows what she is doing, she made me angry, talking to me like I'm a child". I listened as Suzy explained how her sister, Jane, "made me angry" and as Suzy negated many of my view points. Eventually Suzy was able to hear me out!



It's not what a person does to us that makes us angry, it's more of what we think about what the person did that makes us angry. For example, you go to a "classy" restaurant and the waiter, in your opinion, ignores you. You try to get his attention and he continues to walk pass you and brush you off. You really want to try this new place so you don't immediately leave. By now, you feel yourself getting antsy, somewhat hot under the collar. You think, "how dare he ignore me, he must think I can't afford this place, he must be prejudice". Now, you really get heated and ask for the manager. The waiter's action of "ignoring" you didn't anger you, it was your perception of why he may be ignoring you. Now, think about it like this, he just received a call that there was a tradegy in his family, or his wife is in labor but his boss wouldn't let him leave yet because "it's really busy that night", plus, if he leaves, his check will be short and he won't be able to buy his newborn pampers! How would you feel if you knew this information prior to your thought pattern? You'd probably feel sorry for him, be more patient, you may even leave a bigger tip!



The point is, our thinkinig can determine our feelings and how we react about a situation. Now, back to the phone call. What if the Jane really didn't know what she was doing angered Suzy, better yet, how can Jane know, if Suzy never even told her about how Jane's actions make her feel? So, Suzy is getting angry because of how she FEELS about Jane's actions. And Jane has no idea because Suzy never told her. After talking this out with Suzy, the tone changed to, "Now I can see where people are coming from, she's not wrong, she doesn't know".



Wow, what a difference a New Vision makes. But there's even a bigger reward when we make a choice to think differently, ultimately causing us to feel differently! I challenge you this week to re-evaluate some situations you may be experiencing and ask yourself, "am I really mad/sad/hurt by this persons behavior, or is it what I think about their behavior that has me mad/sad/hurt?" You may be surprised to find out how much control you really have!





*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*